Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Come From Behind Victory in 2008?

I humbly suggest a more accurate logo for the RNC's Minneapolis convention.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

A Brave New Waterworld

Looking back at this 2004 election map, it occurs to me that there must be something about living near water that just makes people smarter. Perhaps it's the greater availability of fish in the diet. Maybe it's the easier acces to the world beyond Duh-merica's borders. Possibly it's the exposure to different cultures that inspires more complexity of thought. Whatever the reason, all the pathetic developments from the Repugnantcon party are proving me right.

The only exception to this theory is the south, the land that time forgot. In that region, history trumps geography in that they have always been opposed to anything resembling higher brain function. It's only natural that they would vote Repedophilican. Bigotry, stupidity, and religious perversion are as much a part of them as the extra chromosomes that formed their mildly retarded okra-sized brains.

I have a plan to fix this problem and purge Ameriduh of the growth of malignant stupid that is slowly killing her. It involves digging a canal across the middle and the south of this previously great union. Simple, yet ambitious, it would cure the mentally malnourished untouchables of these primitive parts by turning more of the US into coastline.

Here's how it would work:

As you can see, Texas, the cradle of uncivilization, would be completely submerged. Consider it payback for Katrina. Note that regular flights will still be scheduled to Austin Island, a cool town made cooler by the addition of many new surf spots. The canal would branch out from there cutting across the heartland like a gamma knife through a brain tumor.

The new canals would create a rising tide of enlightenment. The world beyond Ameriduh's borders would penetrate previously uncharted territory.

A veritable renaissance would take hold. Irrigated with much needed supplies, previously parched red states would turn a fertile, pleasing shade of blue. To borrow a phrase from the Repricklicons, a rising tide floats all IQs--a welcome change from the formerly dry lakebed of the south and midwest.

A few notes on this project:
  • Unfortunately, Florida will remain unchanged because they are irredeemably stupid. The state that gave us Jeb and George can't be saved by any amount of knowledge. Teaching them anything above a remedial 3rd grade level would be like trying to teach a dog to park a car. Thankfully they will be surrounded by blue states to minimize any damage they can do.
  • I'm slightly concerned about Texas being underwater. I'm not sure the ocean's fragile ecosystem can survive such a toxic spill of shit for brains. It can handle tons of whale and fish crap everyday, but these are Republiturds we're talking about--each one a concentrated cesspool of greed and stupidity. I guess I'm willing to take the risk.
  • I recommend that this project be funded by the Department of Education's budget. Exposure to the outside world alone would increase redneck IQs more than any fancy book lernin' ever could. As they got smarter they'd realize that occupying Iraq, outrageous defense spending, war profiteering with no-bid contracts, Wall Street fraud, and corporate welfare are NOT the way to go. And that electing a cowardly, draft dodging, spoiled, petulant, incompetent, redneck douchebag moron is definitely a BAD IDEA.
  • The initial investment would yield huge returns and I'm sure the rest of the world would be willing to chip in as well. Once we leave Iraq, the canal will pay for itself.
  • Reclosetgayicans will be resistant to this at first, which is why I suggest hiring Repuglyturd contractors/campaign donors in no-bid contracts to build the thing. Their mendacity (look it up, Retardigoons, it's called a dictionary) is matched only by their greed and stupidity. They would gladly slit their own throats to make a buck.

Friday, August 10, 2007

GOP Will Eat Itself


The Reprehensican party continues to dismember itself with the gangrenous spew of vacuous shillbots like Karen Hanretty. She helps reveal even more of the blackened soul of the Retardicons for all the world to see, essentially gunning the engine during their tailspin.

Perhaps the GOP should discontinue their regular practice of hiring clueless blonde bimbos to distract frustrated true believer fanbois from the fact that there is no substance to their views. That may work on FRAUD News with their usual cowed, mentally handicapped audience, but it dies a quick death against an actual opponent in a forum they can't control.

Hanretty basically confirms that the Rethuglyturd party line is so much empty posturing when it comes into conflict with one of the party faithful. Conservitards are supposed to be tough on crime, yet she thinks a convicted felon should be set free and then pardoned, removing what little punishment he would have received in the form of disbarment.

Then she follows that up with demanding to know what crime Gonzales is guilty of. Why does it matter to her? She just said that she doesn't care about convictions and wants to set felons free. According to her, you can do every unethical thing imaginable just short of breaking the law. And if you do break the law and are caught doing it, then the law doesn't matter anyway. This from the party of law and order. But what do you expect from the dickless windbags who are also supposed to be the party of fiscal responsibility but lose over $8 billion in Iraq? Hanretty proves once again that for the GOP politics trumps all, including logic and consistency.

The only good thing about parasites like her is that they eventually kill the host.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Repuglycan Strategery

Ever since the first Bush presidency, the Rethugliturd policy for choosing a VP has been assassination insurance. No one wanted anything bad to happen to Bush1 because we'd be stuck with the dumbest, most incompetent President ever. Now, ironically, we are stuck with exactly that. Our worst fears have come true with George Dumbya. And no one wants anything to happen to him because then we'd be stuck with the Devil's tapeworm, Dick Cheney. Repricklican Presidents have gotten so bad that the kind of idiot sock puppet we used to fear in Quayle is now preferable in Bush when compared to the second in command evil sack of Halliburton pulling his strings.

But the most scary thing of all is how people pine for past Repuglytard Presidents when compared to the current administration. If each successive GOP President gets worse and makes us miss the previous one, then how does that bode for the future?

Repunklicons are very worried about their image now. With his approval ratings in the toilet, Bush looks like a photocopy of a photocopy of a blurry picture of an armadillo turd. How can they possibly find anyone to follow him that is more incompetent and corrupt, thus elevating his legacy to NOT the worst President in history? I don't know if it's possible.

But I shouldn't sell the Repiglicons short--shitting out corrupt, feeble-minded candidates is the one thing they excel in. I'm sure they can find something...

Monday, August 6, 2007

A Sleeper Cell of Stupid

The biggest problem with Mann Coulter and her fellow douchebags is not their asinine factually challenged screeds or the gutless media whores that give them their platform. There will always be nutjobs out there and lazy pseudo journalist hacks will give some of them attention, not because they are right or even have a salient point to make. The reason these right wing loonies continue to get exposure is that they have a sizeable audience just as venal and ugly as they are to swallow their vomitous tripe.

There is a very ugly side to the American personality that has lain dormant for many years and it was finally given permission to rise again by Bush, as evidenced by the crowd of yokels that flocked to Faux News. The people affected by this particular form of brain damage are characterized by simple mindedness, arrogance and a hatred of anything not just like themselves. Bush is the pied piper to the american vermin that held on to these embarrassing traits and they helped him along to almost beating Al Gore in the 2000 election.

A complete fraud like Dumbya would never have made it that close without millions of mouth-breathing brain donors who couldn't see through his paper-thin facade. And they loved the fact that this "regular guy" made it okay for them to show their true colors and be stupid, bigoted rednecks again.

The smartest thing Rove ever did was identifying and isolating this this ugliness like a scientist might find a useless gene we haven't used since the Stone Age. He found a vein of asshole running through the american landscape and mined it for all it was worth.

Coulter, Malkin, O'Reilly, Hannity and Limbaugh (not to mention Bush) owe their careers to this virulent strain of jackass. Bush voters have their tiny minds made up with the littlest amount of information possible and don't want to hear anything contrary to their firmly held predjudices. Their opinions have been handed down unchanged generation after generation like an heirloom or a genetic disease.

They only want to hear their own opinions repeated back to them to convince themselves that they are right, and Faux News, Coultergeist and company are only too happy to oblige.

They know this is not a crowd big on journalistic integrity or fact checking. The perfect audience for a "news" channel that learned a while ago that it's not illegal to lie about the news.

Google Video
The Corporation

Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Pretenders on Tour

I'm reading that book by Paul O'Neill now and it pisses me off to think how much opportunity this administration had to do constructive things and they fucked them all up. O'Neill was the guy who turned around Alcoa. Alan Greenspan is a friend and thinks he is brilliant. When Greenspan thinks you're brilliant, you're a pretty fuckin' smart guy. He believed in hard-nosed analysis of the facts and in listening to the other side. He said you only have credibility "when you bring together opposite poles", then you have vigorous debate and arrive at a consensus. For the environment he suggested a list of consultants to Bush from both sides of the issue. For the economy, O'Neill and Greenspan put their heads together and came up with a solid, comprehensive plan.

Bush ignored everything. He and his cronies already had plans for all those things (including Iraq, ten days into his term) and had no intention of listening to anyone else. Bush only wanted the appearance of credibility. He brought in O'Neill for his notoriety and reputation, using him as a human shield so he could push through his own ruinous bullshit agenda.

But then Bush loves to pretend. It's all he's ever done, it's his true calling in life. He's a New England dandy who bought a hat and a ranch and convinced millions of drooling hayseeds that he was a cowboy. He's the ultimate insider pretending to be a rebel. He pretends to be a fighter jock/hero, but when it came time to prove his mettle, he hid behind daddy's assless chaps and got the rich boy's deferment, jumping ahead of thousands of others to get into the National Guard (where he was deemed too dumb to fly). While there, he never showed up for duty (coke don't snort itself) and then went AWOL.

Ironic that so many repugnantcan macho men identify with Bush since he's probably the GAYEST president ever--used to be a cheerleader, likes to dress like a cowboy, etc. Maybe it's a rough trade Log Cabin Republican thing. Or maybe it's a case of conservitards secretly craving what they condemn, which has become all the rage in GOP (Gray Old Pervert) circles.

But I think the reason Bush supporters like Bush is mostly because they are birds of a feather. In this case the yellow-bellied Chickenhawk. A Bush supporter is just as big a pretender as he is. If a stupid, pampered, draft-dodging, cowardly redneck can be president and a hero, then the floodgates of delusion are opened to all who wish to hitch a ride aboard the USS Incompetence. They, too, can be the tough guys they've always imagined themselves to be (after so many repeated viewings of action flicks on the USA channel in their parent's basement). Just as long as their pansy asses aren't on the line. They're very brave sitting behind a keyboard rattling their sabers as long as someone else is doing the fencing.

American Knees Hate America

I watched this piece from Max Blumenthal the other day. It nicely confirms what we all already know about young Retardicans in general. They're big on talking like tough guys, but are weak, cringing, lily-livered, mamby-pamby momma's boys at heart. Along with the list of formulaic Republican't talking points these drones are given by the RNC, they must receive a corresponding list of excuses for why their cowardly asses aren't enlisting for the war effort.

These pathetic autobots keep repeating the same exact answers as each other, both for why we're in Iraq and why they can't risk their own precious silver spoon-fed asses. Even when they are pussing out they can't resist trying to sound like tough guys. Notice how the knee injury from football keeps coming up? Perhaps they are taking their cues from Dickhead Cheney since they don't have minds of their own.

I'd like to propose a variation of the old GI bill. The government will pay for knee replacement on all college Republican'ts who support the war, but, regrettably, can't go because of their terrorist-coddling knees. In exchange, each recipient will do one tour of duty in Iraq. Fight the knees here so they can fight the terrorists there.

Something tells me that the Army recruiter in charge of that deal will be playing a lot of computer solitaire (like all the other recruiters). Perhaps the college chickenhawks' excuse this time will be that it sounds too much like socialized medicine.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Dignity is Relative, Y'all

I have to wonder if the people who said Bush would bring dignity back to the White House are still saying that after all that has happened. They probably are, since they can never admit they're wrong just as Bush can't take responsibility for any of his myriad fuck-ups. Let's have a review of what is dignified and what is not--

  • Getting a blowjob

  • Stealing elections
  • Ignoring 52 warnings of attack
  • Getting over 3,000 people killed on 9/11 due to incompetence
  • Lost Osama
  • Lied to the whole country about Iraq
  • Unmasked an undercover CIA agent
  • Invaded a sovereign country based on lies
  • Turned whole world against us
  • Sleazy no-bid contracts with war profiteers
  • "Lost" more than 8 billion dollars in Iraq
  • Let many more people die during Katrina due to incompetence
  • Caused more American deaths in Iraq than 9/11
  • Turned biggest surplus ever into largest deficit ever

And that's the short list. If it's only human to make mistakes, then the Chimp-in-Chief is truly subhuman.

It seems as long as you talk to your imaginary friend in the sky and never get a blowjob, you can fuck everything up and you'll still be A-OK with the typical Bush voter. But I guess it makes sense when you consider how this country was founded on some seriously warped Puritan values. It's amazing how much of them we still carry around.

The Puritans weren't searching for freedom when they came here like the myths we're told in our history books. They were kicked out of their homeland for being so goddamn annoying. The only freedom they wanted was the freedom to tell everyone else what they could and couldn't do and to punish whoever they wanted for whatever reason. Everyone in Europe got tired of their preachy bullshit, so England and Denmark finally did the sensible thing and sent them packing.

Hundreds of years later we're back at square one dealing with the same self-righteous, preachy, violent, hypocritical douchebags with sexual hangups that stumbled onto these shores so long ago.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Clothes Make the Man

I wear this shirt whenever I travel so I can give it as much exposure to as many people as I can. I get a unanimous 100% positive response from everyone who sees it, even when I fly through Dallas and Houston.

I'm almost disappointed because I relish the thought of pissing off a Repuglygoon. Hopefully we would get in an argument that becomes progressively more heated, at which point he would quickly back down. I know this would happen because Bush supporters are complete pussies. They puff their chests and talk tough, but when push comes to shove, they run away like their cowardly poster boy, the Chickenshit Chickenhawk-in-Chief.

But I guess airports aren't a good cross-section of the population if you're looking for conservatools. In airports you find people who travel. People who travel have broadened their world view, their horizons have been expanded. Their social and political views have been tempered by exposure to different people and places. You won't find many Bush voters there.

Bush voters are born, grow up and die all in the same place. They love their little bubbles and never have any desire to leave their coccoon of stupid. These redneck redstate retards think they know all they need to know and have outright contempt for anything challenging the views that have been cemented in their minds since the age of 12. Hence, they feel very comfortable with the era that Bush ushered in with his stolen election--redneck jingoism, distrust of knowledge and "furriners", and embracing all things dumb as if it were a badge of honor marking you as a regular guy.

Interestingly enough, every single time I unpack my bags after getting to my destination, there is a note saying that it had been searched. I hope it was because of the shirt.

There are Names for my Pain

  • Ann Coulter is a skanky horse-faced bitch.
  • The next person who sees her should cave her skull in with a lead pipe, put her corpse through a wood chipper and mulch his lawn with it. (I'm kidding, of course. Mulching your lawn with ground republican would be like poison. Nothing would grow for 1,000 years.)
  • Her face looks like it was finger painted with pig shit by an 8-year old epileptic having a grand mal.

  • It's funny that she's against science since she was obviously spliced in a lab from an anorexic she-male and a mule with Down's Syndrome. Typical of Bush's hypocrisy that he would condemn human-animal hybrids while having this barnyard oddity carry his water.
  • She's the only person I know of whose looks and personality could be improved by a shotgun blast to the face.

I know what you're thinking. I am lowering the level of discourse with personal attacks. But that is impossible, because you can't lower what has already hit bottom thanks to Coulter and her fellow conservapigs.

I think it's time to call bullshit on the usual Dem concerns about taking the high road and not sinking to their level. Dems need to finally let their testes drop, take the gloves off and slog it out with the Repuglypricks, attacking from any and every direction using any means possible.

The Repunklicans sat by while she called Edwards a faggot and said she'd like him to be hit by terrorists, that the editors of the New York Times should be hung and that all Liberals are traitors. That's only the tip of the iceberg. Then those same Repigliturds make insincere attempts to reign her in a little like a doting father would his misbehaving daughter. I know it's a ploy to make conservaturd politicians look moderate in comparison, but the fact that they've kept her around all these years is a complete endorsement of her views.

And it does NOT make us just like them to respond in kind. Remember after 9/11 when people argued that going into Afghanistan with force did not make us just like them because they attacked first and made it necessary? They were correct. The same logic applies here. Fighting the Repugnantcans in an arena of their own making does not make us just like them because they drew first blood. They made it necessary for us to resort to tactics we otherwise would not use (because we ARE better than they are), and that makes all the difference in the world.

And can Democrats PLEASE stop apologizing for speaking their minds?!! Recently Jimmy Carter apologized for statements he made about the Deciderator. Why? He just said what was on his and millions of other people's minds. The truth and the facts are on our side, and when we speak the truth we need to tell the Republigoons that if you don't like it, GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

For most right-leaning Americans farts and groin kicks are the height of humor (watch Idiocracy for a more in-depth examination of the Repunklitard soul), so a bareknuckle brawl is the only thing they will understand. And it shouldn't be too hard to win round after round, considering the gross incompetence and stupidity (not to mention cowardice) of the opposition. It wouldn't even go to decision.

So I suggest we attack these gutless pigs like a Great White on a hooked Marlin. From every direction and with everything we've got. Being a true repunklican, Coulter won't be able to take what she dishes out, and she'll crawl back into the same conservitard think tank's diseased bunghole that shat her out in the first place.

I sometimes wonder if Ann has any redeeming qualities at all. I think I found one. Ann Coulter is a biological organism, which means she is mortal and will one day die. Thus, her ability to rid the world of herself and the fecal matter that spews diarrhetically from her sphincter of a mouth is her only redeeming quality and her greatest gift to mankind.

But who knows when that glorious day will come? Anyone who feels it necessary to hasten the regrettably slow pace of Mother Nature, read paragraph two again and, please, be my guest.