The Pretenders on Tour

I'm reading that book by Paul O'Neill now and it pisses me off to think how much opportunity this administration had to do constructive things and they fucked them all up. O'Neill was the guy who turned around Alcoa. Alan Greenspan is a friend and thinks he is brilliant. When Greenspan thinks you're brilliant, you're a pretty fuckin' smart guy. He believed in hard-nosed analysis of the facts and in listening to the other side. He said you only have credibility "when you bring together opposite poles", then you have vigorous debate and arrive at a consensus. For the environment he suggested a list of consultants to Bush from both sides of the issue. For the economy, O'Neill and Greenspan put their heads together and came up with a solid, comprehensive plan.

Bush ignored everything. He and his cronies already had plans for all those things (including Iraq, ten days into his term) and had no intention of listening to anyone else. Bush only wanted the appearance of credibility. He brought in O'Neill for his notoriety and reputation, using him as a human shield so he could push through his own ruinous bullshit agenda.

But then Bush loves to pretend. It's all he's ever done, it's his true calling in life. He's a New England dandy who bought a hat and a ranch and convinced millions of drooling hayseeds that he was a cowboy. He's the ultimate insider pretending to be a rebel. He pretends to be a fighter jock/hero, but when it came time to prove his mettle, he hid behind daddy's assless chaps and got the rich boy's deferment, jumping ahead of thousands of others to get into the National Guard (where he was deemed too dumb to fly). While there, he never showed up for duty (coke don't snort itself) and then went AWOL.

Ironic that so many repugnantcan macho men identify with Bush since he's probably the GAYEST president ever--used to be a cheerleader, likes to dress like a cowboy, etc. Maybe it's a rough trade Log Cabin Republican thing. Or maybe it's a case of conservitards secretly craving what they condemn, which has become all the rage in GOP (Gray Old Pervert) circles.


But I think the reason Bush supporters like Bush is mostly because they are birds of a feather. In this case the yellow-bellied Chickenhawk. A Bush supporter is just as big a pretender as he is. If a stupid, pampered, draft-dodging, cowardly redneck can be president and a hero, then the floodgates of delusion are opened to all who wish to hitch a ride aboard the USS Incompetence. They, too, can be the tough guys they've always imagined themselves to be (after so many repeated viewings of action flicks on the USA channel in their parent's basement). Just as long as their pansy asses aren't on the line. They're very brave sitting behind a keyboard rattling their sabers as long as someone else is doing the fencing.

American Knees Hate America

I watched this piece from Max Blumenthal the other day. It nicely confirms what we all already know about young Retardicans in general. They're big on talking like tough guys, but are weak, cringing, lily-livered, mamby-pamby momma's boys at heart. Along with the list of formulaic Republican't talking points these drones are given by the RNC, they must receive a corresponding list of excuses for why their cowardly asses aren't enlisting for the war effort.

These pathetic autobots keep repeating the same exact answers as each other, both for why we're in Iraq and why they can't risk their own precious silver spoon-fed asses. Even when they are pussing out they can't resist trying to sound like tough guys. Notice how the knee injury from football keeps coming up? Perhaps they are taking their cues from Dickhead Cheney since they don't have minds of their own.

I'd like to propose a variation of the old GI bill. The government will pay for knee replacement on all college Republican'ts who support the war, but, regrettably, can't go because of their terrorist-coddling knees. In exchange, each recipient will do one tour of duty in Iraq. Fight the knees here so they can fight the terrorists there.

Something tells me that the Army recruiter in charge of that deal will be playing a lot of computer solitaire (like all the other recruiters). Perhaps the college chickenhawks' excuse this time will be that it sounds too much like socialized medicine.

Dignity is Relative, Y'all

I have to wonder if the people who said Bush would bring dignity back to the White House are still saying that after all that has happened. They probably are, since they can never admit they're wrong just as Bush can't take responsibility for any of his myriad fuck-ups. Let's have a review of what is dignified and what is not--

NOT DIGNIFIED-

• Getting a blowjob

DIGNIFIED-

• Stealing elections
• Ignoring 52 warnings of attack
• Getting over 3,000 people killed on 9/11 due to incompetence
• Lost Osama
• Lied to the whole country about Iraq
• Unmasked an undercover CIA agent
• Invaded a sovereign country based on lies
• Turned whole world against us
• Sleazy no-bid contracts with war profiteers
• "Lost" more than 8 billion dollars in Iraq
• Let many more people die during Katrina due to incompetence
• Caused more American deaths in Iraq than 9/11
• Turned biggest surplus ever into largest deficit ever

And that's the short list. If it's only human to make mistakes, then the Chimp-in-Chief is truly subhuman.


It seems as long as you talk to your imaginary friend in the sky and never get a blowjob, you can fuck everything up and you'll still be A-OK with the typical Bush voter. But I guess it makes sense when you consider how this country was founded on some seriously warped Puritan values. It's amazing how much of them we still carry around.

The Puritans weren't searching for freedom when they came here like the myths we're told in our history books. They were kicked out of their homeland for being so goddamn annoying. The only freedom they wanted was the freedom to tell everyone else what they could and couldn't do and to punish whoever they wanted for whatever reason. Everyone in Europe got tired of their preachy bullshit, so England and Denmark finally did the sensible thing and sent them packing.

Hundreds of years later we're back at square one dealing with the same self-righteous, preachy, violent, hypocritical douchebags with sexual hangups that stumbled onto these shores so long ago.

Clothes Make the Man

I wear this shirt whenever I travel so I can give it as much exposure to as many people as I can. I get a unanimous 100% positive response from everyone who sees it, even when I fly through Dallas and Houston.

I'm almost disappointed because I relish the thought of pissing off a Repuglygoon. Hopefully we would get in an argument that becomes progressively more heated, at which point he would quickly back down. I know this would happen because Bush supporters are complete pussies. They puff their chests and talk tough, but when push comes to shove, they run away like their cowardly poster boy, the Chickenshit Chickenhawk-in-Chief.

But I guess airports aren't a good cross-section of the population if you're looking for conservatools. In airports you find people who travel. People who travel have broadened their world view, their horizons have been expanded. Their social and political views have been tempered by exposure to different people and places. You won't find many Bush voters there.

Bush voters are born, grow up and die all in the same place. They love their little bubbles and never have any desire to leave their coccoon of stupid. These redneck redstate retards think they know all they need to know and have outright contempt for anything challenging the views that have been cemented in their minds since the age of 12. Hence, they feel very comfortable with the era that Bush ushered in with his stolen election--redneck jingoism, distrust of knowledge and "furriners", and embracing all things dumb as if it were a badge of honor marking you as a regular guy.

Interestingly enough, every single time I unpack my bags after getting to my destination, there is a note saying that it had been searched. I hope it was because of the shirt.

There are Names for my Pain

• Ann Coulter is a skanky horse-faced bitch.

• The next person who sees her should cave her skull in with a lead pipe, put her corpse through a wood chipper and mulch his lawn with it. (I'm kidding, of course. Mulching your lawn with ground republican would be like poison. Nothing would grow for 1,000 years.)

• Her face looks like it was finger painted with pig shit by an 8-year old epileptic having a grand mal.

• It's funny that she's against science since she was obviously spliced in a lab from an anorexic she-male and a mule with Down's Syndrome. Typical of Bush's hypocrisy that he would condemn human-animal hybrids while having this barnyard oddity carry his water.

• She's the only person I know of whose looks and personality could be improved by a shotgun blast to the face.

I know what you're thinking. I am lowering the level of discourse with personal attacks. But that is impossible, because you can't lower what has already hit bottom thanks to Coulter and her fellow conservapigs.

I think it's time to call bullshit on the usual Dem concerns about taking the high road and not sinking to their level. Dems need to finally let their testes drop, take the gloves off and slog it out with the Repuglypricks, attacking from any and every direction using any means possible.

The Repunklicans sat by while she called Edwards a faggot and said she'd like him to be hit by terrorists, that the editors of the New York Times should be hung and that all Liberals are traitors. That's only the tip of the iceberg. Then those same Repigliturds make insincere attempts to reign her in a little like a doting father would his misbehaving daughter. I know it's a ploy to make conservaturd politicians look moderate in comparison, but the fact that they've kept her around all these years is a complete endorsement of her views.

And it does NOT make us just like them to respond in kind. Remember after 9/11 when people argued that going into Afghanistan with force did not make us just like them because they attacked first and made it necessary? They were correct. The same logic applies here. Fighting the Repugnantcans in an arena of their own making does not make us just like them because they drew first blood. They made it necessary for us to resort to tactics we otherwise would not use (because we ARE better than they are), and that makes all the difference in the world.

And can Democrats PLEASE stop apologizing for speaking their minds?!! Recently Jimmy Carter apologized for statements he made about the Deciderator. Why? He just said what was on his and millions of other people's minds. The truth and the facts are on our side, and when we speak the truth we need to tell the Republigoons that if you don't like it, GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

For most right-leaning Americans farts and groin kicks are the height of humor (watch Idiocracy for a more in-depth examination of the Repunklitard soul), so a bareknuckle brawl is the only thing they will understand. And it shouldn't be too hard to win round after round, considering the gross incompetence and stupidity (not to mention cowardice) of the opposition. It wouldn't even go to decision.

So I suggest we attack these gutless pigs like a Great White on a hooked Marlin. From every direction and with everything we've got. Being a true repunklican, Coulter won't be able to take what she dishes out, and she'll crawl back into the same conservitard think tank's diseased bunghole that shat her out in the first place.

I sometimes wonder if Ann has any redeeming qualities at all. I think I found one. Ann Coulter is a biological organism, which means she is mortal and will one day die. Thus, her ability to rid the world of herself and the fecal matter that spews diarrhetically from her sphincter of a mouth is her only redeeming quality and her greatest gift to mankind.

But who knows when that glorious day will come? Anyone who feels it necessary to hasten the regrettably slow pace of Mother Nature, read paragraph two again and, please, be my guest.