Tuesday, October 2, 2007

A Brave New Waterworld


Looking back at this 2004 election map, it occurs to me that there must be something about living near water that just makes people smarter. Perhaps it's the greater availability of fish in the diet. Maybe it's the easier acces to the world beyond Duh-merica's borders. Possibly it's the exposure to different cultures that inspires more complexity of thought. Whatever the reason, all the pathetic developments from the Repugnantcon party are proving me right.

The only exception to this theory is the south, the land that time forgot. In that region, history trumps geography in that they have always been opposed to anything resembling higher brain function. It's only natural that they would vote Repedophilican. Bigotry, stupidity, and religious perversion are as much a part of them as the extra chromosomes that formed their mildly retarded okra-sized brains.

I have a plan to fix this problem and purge Ameriduh of the growth of malignant stupid that is slowly killing her. It involves digging a canal across the middle and the south of this previously great union. Simple, yet ambitious, it would cure the mentally malnourished untouchables of these primitive parts by turning more of the US into coastline.

Here's how it would work:



As you can see, Texas, the cradle of uncivilization, would be completely submerged. Consider it payback for Katrina. Note that regular flights will still be scheduled to Austin Island, a cool town made cooler by the addition of many new surf spots. The canal would branch out from there cutting across the heartland like a gamma knife through a brain tumor.



The new canals would create a rising tide of enlightenment. The world beyond Ameriduh's borders would penetrate previously uncharted territory.



A veritable renaissance would take hold. Irrigated with much needed supplies, previously parched red states would turn a fertile, pleasing shade of blue. To borrow a phrase from the Repricklicons, a rising tide floats all IQs--a welcome change from the formerly dry lakebed of the south and midwest.

A few notes on this project:
  • Unfortunately, Florida will remain unchanged because they are irredeemably stupid. The state that gave us Jeb and George can't be saved by any amount of knowledge. Teaching them anything above a remedial 3rd grade level would be like trying to teach a dog to park a car. Thankfully they will be surrounded by blue states to minimize any damage they can do.
  • I'm slightly concerned about Texas being underwater. I'm not sure the ocean's fragile ecosystem can survive such a toxic spill of shit for brains. It can handle tons of whale and fish crap everyday, but these are Republiturds we're talking about--each one a concentrated cesspool of greed and stupidity. I guess I'm willing to take the risk.
  • I recommend that this project be funded by the Department of Education's budget. Exposure to the outside world alone would increase redneck IQs more than any fancy book lernin' ever could. As they got smarter they'd realize that occupying Iraq, outrageous defense spending, war profiteering with no-bid contracts, Wall Street fraud, and corporate welfare are NOT the way to go. And that electing a cowardly, draft dodging, spoiled, petulant, incompetent, redneck douchebag moron is definitely a BAD IDEA.
  • The initial investment would yield huge returns and I'm sure the rest of the world would be willing to chip in as well. Once we leave Iraq, the canal will pay for itself.
  • Reclosetgayicans will be resistant to this at first, which is why I suggest hiring Repuglyturd contractors/campaign donors in no-bid contracts to build the thing. Their mendacity (look it up, Retardigoons, it's called a dictionary) is matched only by their greed and stupidity. They would gladly slit their own throats to make a buck.

9 comments:

The Sound of Silence said...

awesome! where do i sign?

Becca said...

LOL! THis made me laugh really hard. I'm all for such a fabulous and obviously well thought out plan!

Whackette said...

Well, at least Virginia is still red.

Anonymous said...

you're awesome! i just had to say that...

Anonymous said...

You are beyond stupid. Plain stupidity is humble. You're arrogant-stupid. Which means...oh yes...you're a Liberal.

Anonymous said...

We need this more now than ever! Bravo!

jerry said...

Love the Texas part--so true too much shit for even the ocean. I mean, Louie Gohmert--c'mon. All the water in the universe couldn't revivify that numskull.

Anonymous said...

Hmm....
I'm a Conservative
The Smartest person in my class
I Lived in SINGAPORE, so definitely have seen many cultures and ideas, probably more than you.
Currently live close to Lake Ontario, which is in Upstate New York.
Eat fish fairly often.
I think that goes against all of your theories of why people are "smart" and "liberal". So lets not waste billions, if not trillions of dollars, on an idea that will not only not work, but will destroy lots of farmland making YOUR steaks, corn, etc...

Anonymous said...

Yeah yeah, I was the smartest person in my class too! And I eat corn......